Training Blues
by t3h maniac
Summary: Master Hand has a deal for Samus: Help out with the expansion for melee and he'd quadruple any winnings for two years. It seems easy enough, but when your training two new smashers with little to no combat experience between them it may not be worth it.
1. Chapter 1

**Training Blues**

**Need a break from the crazy theorizing that is Divided By Zero, combining every single Nintendo (and MGS) canon into one fanon that makes my brain hurt when I think about it. So here's a humour story for me to work on set between the very first Smash Bros and the one that made it big, the melee**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, the locations are… well I may get around to explaining that whole deal.**

**--**

"Samus!" clap, clap, clap "Samus!" the crowd cheered on the bloodshed as the bounty hunter Samus Aran fired a barrage of missiles at F-Zero racer pilot Captain Douglas Falcon. Their match had been going on for 12 minutes now. The rules were simple enough to follow, knock your opponent off the stage in any way possible, with anything you could either bring with you (within some restrictions) and whatever you could find that was provided by the tournament overseer Master Hand. 10 "lives" each, that meant you were rescued by the teleport 9 times before you had to find your own way back on the stage, or loose.

And the two fighters had used up all of those teleports in exchanges of high powered weaponry, flaming fists and _those god damned hammers which the opponent always gets before you except when the head flies off whenever you get it and everyone else laughs at your appalling luck._

Ahem.

Samus quickly jumped to avoid another Falcon Kick which past right underneath her, Falcon having rolled into one to avoid a missile barrage. Giving her time to switch into her morph ball and drop a few concussion mines on him, however she had misjudged how faw the kick would take him leaving the mines to just fall onto the ground before exploding, killing nothing but airborne bacteria.

"**FALCON…"** he said, focussing most of his energy into one fist, Samus had already felt the effects of that focussed punch twice this match, both times knocking her into the crowd, but still it had its disadvantages. Like requiring a warm up and only going in one direction.

"**PAWNCH!" **He completed, the call of the Falcon ringing through his ears as his fist shot forward connecting with… nothing but now-searing hot air. _Where did she go?_

His question was soon answered by a large plasma blast from Samus' arm cannon, sending him hurtling across the stage and off the edge.

"GAME SET. THE WINNER IS SAMUS!" The announcer boomed as the crowd applauded the fighter left standing as she left the stage back to the locker room without saying a word.

--

"_**Could Samus Aran please report to the director's office. Samus Aran to the director's office, thank you."**_ The PA system in the Competitors lounge called. How long had it been since this place had been established? 2, 3, maybe four solar years? It was still doing well regardless, and for some reason no matter how much time she spent here warming up for matches or competing in them the rest of the galaxy didn't seem to register her absence. No space pirates attacked while she was competing for some extra cash, which was weird considering how active they were whenever she returned. As though they were waiting for her return instead of getting away with anything while she wasn't there.

Maybe they were just scared of interrupting her and didn't want to distract her from the Smash tourney. Every minute she was there, she wasn't blowing their heads clean off.

"You wanted to see me MH." She asked in a robotic voice, the helmet altering her speech somewhat. O most people it would be surprising to see a gloved, disembodied hand as a director, but he seemed to keep things in line nd was one of the few things that wasn't trying to actively kill her.

"Sammy!" The right hand exclaimed as though they were best friends, "still got the suit on huh?"

"I prefer to have it on at most times, especially with some people around…"

--

"_Whoa? There's a girl under all that metal? Here I thought you were just a robot." Falcon said._

"_OOK!"_

"_Fine, now I owe DK 20."_

--

"Well you can't blame them for getting a bit gender confused, after all you spend most of your time in that armour and most of the hero work in these worlds are… you know." Master Hand said trying to avoid a difficult subject, she was the only female in the tournament, with the possible exception of Pikachu or Jigglypuff and considering that the more well known females were princesses who had a habit of getting kidnapped…

"Yes, I know."

"Good, good. But I really wanted this conversation to go face to… hand. I really want to gauge your reaction and I can't do so if your eyes are obscured by a visor."

"Fine," she said, taking off her helmet and letting her blonde hair drop over her armour. "better?" Samus asked.

"Much. Now I called you in here because I need your help for a little project I'm working on. Something that your combat skills will come in handy"

"What do you need removed?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. Follow me please." He motioned, leading her towards a window that overlooked a large building. No, it was an ornate palace at first glance. Completely different from any of the buildings she'd ever seen, where most people preferred substance over any notion of style.

"That Samus, is Smash Mansion. A full living complex right by the stadium, so people don't have to waste energy on a commute, who knows? Maybe some friendships will be formed outside of the canteen and blowing each other to Kingdom Come. Nice work in your match with Falcon by the way, very smart how you held that charge blast loaded for the last minute, he never saw it coming." MH complemented her.

"It looks ready built, what do you need me for?"

"Well it's all part of my grand expansion scheme, I've already talked about it with Mario and Link and they seem interested in getting some new people here. Problem is, two of the people I've invited don't have anything in the way of prior combat experience. Well one of them kind of has some, but hasn't had any in another way."

"You want me to train them to be competent fighters. So they can actually produce some entertaining fights and bring more money in."

"Is that a yes then?"

"Why me? I've relied on my armour most of the time, and that has techniques that cannot be passed down."

"But you are still fairly strong without the suit, more agile and could go toe to toe with the Cap in a fist fight. The armour mainly slows you down since we put restrictions on the weapons to prevent them from killing people in one shot. Besides, Mario and Link won't train them."

"Why not?"

"It'll be complicated, just trust me on this one okay? No good will come of me letting those two train the two I'm bringing in."

"…" Something was definitely up if he couldn't have Link or Mario do it.

"I'll quadruple any winnings for the next year, converted into a currency of your choice."

"Deal."

--

_It can't be too hard can it? Give them the basics and work from there. I'm sure he wouldn't just invite two people with no hope whatsoever in fighting. Even those two pink puffballs were a challenge. _Samus thought, waiting in the old gym attached to the stadium, hopefully when the new place opened it would have much better equipment than this.

"Are you sure we're in the right place?" A high pitched, distinctly feminine voice asked. If words could be coloured, it would definitely be pink.

"The instructions were pretty clear." Another feminine voice responded as two women came through the door, both were wearing elaborate dresses, one had very bright blonde hair with earrings and a small jewel in the centre of the chest of a full length, frilly Pink dress and a crown on top. The other had light brown hair that probably looked blonde in some lights, and a dress that was white at the very front of the legs, purple in most other places with a trace of gold. Regal dresses.

"Are you lost?" Samus asked.

"Allow me to introduce ourselves, I am Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom and this is Princess Zelda of Hyrule." Peach introduced , doing a slight curtsey. _Must be some upper class thing._

"The princesses? You must want the competitors' cafeteria. That's where Link and Mario will be."

"Actually we were told to come to the training room. Something about a Miss Samus Aran who was going to help train us, would you know anything about this?" Princess Zelda asked.

_When I get my hands on that hand I'll…_

Meanwhile back in the Director's office:

"Hmm, my metaphorical ears are burning."

--

**Oh how I love to twist the loose concept of Fanon and Canon to my own diabolical ends. MWA-HA-HA! Wait, am I even doing that this time around?**


	2. Complaint Line

**Complaint Line**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Nintendo.**

**--**

Another day at the stadium, Smash mansion was close to being finished, as was the line-up for the next invitational. It was a genius scheme by Master Hand, first the tournament brought in the die hard fighter crowd and the fanboys and then he would install a mansion where the participants could live 24/7, engage in wacky antics, create soap opera stories and other things, hopefully naughty things which always rakes in the money. Which would all be recorded by super special hidden cameras placed everywhere. And he'd still have the fights only they'd be more varied, on different stages and with different characters

However he had run out of ideas for well known characters. The Ice Climbers had some un-orthodox and retro appeal, promoting Falcon to full time was another good way to go. Then an idea hit him. Since Luigi was part time here, why not invited other people from already existing worlds? Bowser and Yoshi would be entertaining, but still the Hand needed more. More female characters. The two princesses who to his knowledge had never put out so there would be all that juicy sexual tension between them and their respective heroes were quickly added to the main roster. That way, he wouldn't have wasted money building a women's shower and locker room for just Samus, and there would be catfights. That always entertained a crowd. Unless it was a completely feminist crowd.

If he had a tongue, he could have tasted the money. Yet despite not having ears, he could still hear perfectly well Link and Mario shouting his what-would-have-been ears off.

"Are you mad? Forcing her into something like this!"

"If she is even scratched while here, regardless of what those contracts say I will cut you to shreds."

"Bowser too! You're just asking for trouble."

"Gentlemen, please! I can explain!" He said, although he was stronger than both of them, and neither was exactly top of the tournaments, they were still the big names, the ones everyone knew. The people that would be noticed at the drop of a hat if Master Hand dropped them out of the Smash rankings.

"How can you explain putting royalty with no combat experience in danger?" Mario argued.

"Relax… They're not in any danger. The battle scars can be healed up in our new health centre, which can cure everything except cancer and AIDS, but all battle wounds can be instantly healed and if anyone puts a hand on them outside of battle their contracts will be terminated and will be hurled into the vastness of space. Besides, I already have assigned a personal trainer so that they can actually out up a fight. Happy?" He said, pointing his index finger at them in the same way a car salesman would do in a cheesy did to unload a scrap heap onto some unsuspecting mug. However, this didn't work with one Hero of time who grabbed him by the finger and slammed it down on the desk, ready to jam his sword under his fingernails. It was one of the first times Master Hand had been afraid of one of the Smashers, especially one so low teir. Obviously someone was holding back their wild side.

"Look here, I don't care if she can be healed up later, if she is in pain for more than 10 seconds because of this tourney, you will answer to me. Got it?"

"Got it." Master Hand repeated obediently.

"Good." He said, leaving Master Hand in the office with Mario, both shocked at Link's sudden outburst.

"Well I think that went rather well."

--

"Just punch it." Samus groaned. Still in her power suit to prevent herself trying to swallow her own fist in desperation to escape.

"But what if…" Peach began.

"We'll get to the ifs later, just punch the dummy like I showed you how to." The bounty hunter instructed.

"But what has it done to me?"

"Just hit the damn thing!"

"Eek!" Peach shrieked before slapping the dummy, causing it's head to tilt to the side slightly.

"What was that?" Samus asked slowly.

"I…I hit it?"

"That was not a hit. That was a fairy slap. _This_ is how you punch something!" She said, doing her best impression of a marine drill instructor, a steep down from Chozo survival instructions in harshness "Try again."

"I can see this will consume a large amount of time, how long do these sessions usually last for?" Zelda asked speaking up for the first time since the introductions.

_Until I get my share of the money. _Samus thought dryly as she shook her head at Peach's attempt to strike the training dummy. It would have been comical if she hadn't had to get results. "This isn't working," she sighed after Peach's attempt to punch it ended up hurting her own hand slightly. "Okay, you can slap it but try to keep your lower arm straight, otherwise you'll loose impact and apart from the realisation that they've been slapped, which isn't much, it won't stop them striking back harder."

"You mean they're allowed to hit back?"

--

**Shorter than the first chapter I know. No pairings yet though, just Mario and Link being over protective.**


	3. Eye of the Tiger

**Montage Time**

**When we need to get somebody's skills up to scratch within a short amount of time, you just need a montage. So yes there will be cheesy music in this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, or the musical accompaniment.**

**--**

"Well how is our resident trainer doing?" Master Hand asked Samus in a surprisingly cheery tone. Catching her walking past his office back to the arena. Captain Falcon wanted a rematch, saying that no-one: man or woman could stand up to the FALCON PUNCH! And yes he really did shout those last two words, along with punching a poor defensless pot plant into orbit.

"Badly." She said completely deadpan.

"Surely it can't be that bad can it?"

"You gave me two princesses and tried to get me to turn them into prize fighters!"

"Aren't you going to then? If not for me but their own safety, I mean the pre-tournement warn up matches start next month. If they're not ready they may get hurt in their respective matches."

"So? By then you'll have that medical centre up and running, any injuries they get will be healed up…" Samus dismissed.

"…And then Link kills us both." Master Hand completed in a tone people often use when they sense incoming doom.

"Wait, what?" Samus asked, taken aback a bit.

"Link has basically threatened to end my life if his princess is hurt or in danger, probably doesn't want to be a virgin for the entire duration of his stay or something, and since I'm never one to go down alone you're gonna get the Master Sword special with the side order of light arrows complete with a bomb and boomerang garnish as well here, and I'm trying to stay on the 'no weapons' diet."

"So not only do I have to train two Princesses how to fight against their heroes which they'll probably forget the next time they get kidnapped I have to do it in four weeks or Link will try and kill me for it, possibly Mario depending on how badly it goes but definitely Link."

"Hey it's not all bad news I've organized something to help get it done quicker." Master Hand reassured her, Samus was not so convinced.

--

"_**Risin' up, back on the street"**_

"That's a bit on the slow side Zelda, you'll have to do it faster if you want to actually hit something in the heat of battle." Samus told the Hyilian princess as she tried to punch the dummy, remembering the proper way to do it without hurting her hand.

"_**Did my time, took my chances  
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet"**_

"Hmm, while your physically weak, try using your magic abilities to boost your strength like the power suit does to me." Samus told her, the next time instead of punching or slapping the dummy she held out her palm and let a few sparks do the work for her.

"_**Just a man and his will to survive"**_

"Hi-ya!" Peach shouted using a forehand and backhand combo of slaps.

"Well your slapping technique has improved, I suppose that's something."

"_**So many times, it happens too fast  
You change your passion for glory"**_

"Okay, now try and kick the dummy," Samus told Peach who kicked it right between the legs and ended up hopping on one foot "well it would have worked had it been an actual person there."

_**  
"Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past  
You must fight just to keep them alive"**_

"We're supposed to do this?" Peach asked, looking at the race to the finish course.

"Do you have a problem with that?" Samus asked tilting her head towards Peach who faltered under the gaze somewhat.

"Nope! None at all."

"Good."

"_**It's the eye of the tiger; it's the thrill of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival"**_

"No fair! I can't just float over these things!" Zelda shouted as Peach just levitated over the spike traps.

"Neither can I yet I've completed the course in record time so get moving!"

"_**And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night  
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger"**_

"Hey! I can't teleport!" Peach was the one to cry fowl play this time.

"Well at least they can recover from falling off the stage." Samus muttered to herself.

"_**Face to face, out in the heat  
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry"**_

"Okay now we move up a gear," Samus said, altering the settings, soon the assault course was replaced with the battlefield arena and two wire frames "They'll be able to hit back slightly now. Who's first?" Zelda took a quick step back leaving Samus to pull PEach over as the first volunteer.

"Oh… shucks!" Peach tried to curse but found her vocabulary was lacking.

"_**They stack the odds 'til we take to the street  
For we kill with the skill to survive"**_

"What did I do to deserve this?" A Toad guard asked as Peach held him out as a human shield against some wire frames.

"_**It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival"**_

"You can't stay away from it forever Zelda, you'll have to strike back harder after dodging its attack." Samus said, Zelda preferring to simply jump away from the wire frames instead of confronting them. Both of them lacked a lot of confidence in combat. Something that needed to be worked on.

"_**And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night  
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger"**_

"Falcon! Quit singing!" Fox shouted to the pilot the other side of the dining room. Who else would be singing cheesy montage songs.

"It's not me!" The pilot protested, nursing his left shoulder.

"_**Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop  
Just a man and his will to survive."**_

"You're improving but you're still not up to the standard of most of the people here." Samus said, as she took over the training simulator, setting it to 100 man melee, a relatively new feature.

"_**It's the eye of the tiger; it's the thrill of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival **_

_**And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night  
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger**_

_**The eye of the tiger…"**_

"That song lasted all freaking week!" Shouted a very annoyed bounty hunter, no prizes for guessing which one

"Sorry I downloaded the extra special Montage collection; I've got a different track if you're just tired of Survivor." Master Hand offered.

"_**You're the best, around  
Nothings ever gonna take you down!"**_

"No thank you." Samus said, walking out

--

**It was either that or "Gonna fly now." Which I may yet use in this fic. MWA-HA-HA-HA  
**


	4. More than A guardian?

**More Than A Guardian**

**Okay that montage didn't go particularly well so let's just move on…**

**Disclaimer: I'm a student typing this on a laptop that will overheat soon, so you really think I own anything?**

**--**

"_**Getting Strong now**_

_**Gonna fly bzzt!"**_

That "Bzzt!" sound you just heard was Peach's golf club shattering a speaker. Master Hand still hadn't given up with his montage idea and it had driven Samus to frustration. There was only one person in a spandex jumpsuit who liked these cheesy songs and it wasn't her so what better way to test the two princess' stronger attacks then to have them destroy every last speaker of the sound system around the arena that kept playing the same three 80's montage tracks over and over and over… interspersed with a bit of Twisted Sisters' "You can't stop rock and roll" whenever Crazy Hand, Master Hand's crazier twin who Samus had spotted in Master Hand's office one time making erratic gestures and bad joker, got hold of the sound track.

Can't stop rock and roll? Apparently you could with a golf club.

"That's enough for this morning. Meet back in the training room in 3 hours, until then do whatever you want."

"My sound system! My beautiful, expensive sound system! What have you done to it?" Master hand wailed as Samus walked past him. Not letting him see the small smirk under her visor.

"Put it to good use." She said coolly.

"I'll get you for this Samus! Sooner or later you will pay for my sound system! Not that soon because I still need you at this moment in time! But eventually! Like locking you out of the mansion once its up and running with Captain Falcon in the rain and there's going to be so much sexual tension that you'll be so embarrassed and they'll make jokes about you two getting it on out there even though there will be no evidence whatsoever and that any contact between the two of you will probably be the result of some violence and then you'll have the shippers… you'll just regret messing with me!" Master Hand threatened, loosing the point a bit before re-grouping.

"Right, good to know." She said, pressing forward to the cafeteria.

"GAAH!" MH shouted as Samus collected her lunch before sitting down next to Link.

"So how did the match with Jigglypuff go Link?" She asked.

"Could have gone better, fortunately it fell asleep for some reason while just a few inches away from me. Don't know what it was trying to do, but I managed to send it over the edge before it woke up."

"Right."

"Haven't seen you have a match recently though."

"I've been busy. I've been roped in to helping Master Hand, no other missions had come up and this one gets me more money without having to buy extra ammunition."

"Ugh, don't remind me about his plan. I have to get to Hyrule at some point but he seems to be set on keeping us all here for a good long time. God knows what has happened there while I've been here."

"Got a girlfriend back on your planet?"

"Well no, not really. Have a few friends that happen to be girls but no actual girl-friend." Link explained, trying to prevent a blush from forming.

_Girl-friends but no girlfriend? Fox would probably call him a 'playa' if he found out._

"It's just I hope to really get back to see if I can stop the Princess from getting here, if its not too late."

"And if it is?"

"Pray that everything hasn't turned into anarchy without a monarch."

"I think we need to talk in private."

--

"So how did you get here?" Peach asked, it had all gone so quickly that she hadn't had that much time to get to know her fellow royalty.

"I'm not sure myself, first I received an invitation with instructions to go to the balcony at a certain time. At first I thought it was some trick from Bowser to kidnap me again but there was this flash and then I met you."

"A similar thing happened to me as well. It's strange, that this Master Hand would go through all this effort if not for ransom payments."

"Maybe he's just a friendly person. If you asked he would probably send you back without much worrying."

"Hmm…" Zelda wondered. If they were just looking for fighters there must have been plenty more people to abduct. Impa was her mentor when training to survive the seven years, Nabooru was one of the most skilled swordswomen of the Gerudo. Why her of all people if not for ransom or to take over Hyrule. Something was up here. If she could get enough time to herself maybe she could figure it out.

"Look Samus… I'm glad that it's you who's training her and not some pervert who'd use this to take advantage of them. I just… don't think this is the right place for her." The two princesses heard, stopping them in their tracks.

"Are they talking about us?" Peach asked.

"Well she's actually doing well with the training. Surprised me the way she was able to keep up with some of the things, much better than Peach was at any rate."

"It's not that, I know that she can be a decent fighter. It's just; the last time she had to fight at all was probably the worst time in her life. I don't want her to have to remember every bit, the hardships that she went through, and_ him_."

"Him?"

"Ganondorf. What he did was… I don't really want to talk about it."

"You think that learning how to fight is going to remind her about the time she had to. So you want me to stop training her?"

"That's her decision not mine. If she really wants to be a part of this then I won't stop her."

"Are you sure there's nothing going on between you two? You seem more concerned about her than just fear of her getting hurt." Samus asked.

"Is there?" Zelda whispered to herself.

"Zelda?" Peach asked concerned that her new friend had spaced out.

"I think we've eavesdropped on them long enough." Zelda said abruptly before quickly leaving a confused Peach standing alone in the corridor.

--

**And now I've gone and dropped a serious romantic sub-plot to this comedy. I hope it wasn't too ham-fisted attempt.**


	5. Motivation 101

**Motivation 101**

**First update for this story in my least favourite month of the year. It's like a whole month of Mondays…**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. **

**--**

"Ugh, I cannot believe we're back to this. I'd thought all this was done for, but no. Back to square one. Peach, you have to actually hit me!" Samus shouted, they were making progress on thee wire frames too.

"But you'll get hurt." The Mushroom kingdom's princess protested. God, she really was sickeningly sweet sometimes when she got like this. It was enough to rot entire rows of teeth in a great white shark just thinking about it sometimes.

"That's the point to attacking someone."

"I just don't want to hurt you."

"You were fine with the wire frames yesterday."

"Well they were just programs who can't feel anything, unless… oh no."

"Haven't you tried hitting back against Bowser whenever he kidnaps you?"

"He doesn't do it that often…"

"Okay, let's look at it this way, if I was going to attack you, what would you do?"

"Run away?"

"You'll run into a corner eventually or I'll catch up."

"Call for Mario?"

"He'd take time getting there."

"Call for Luigi?"

"Why would you want Luigi's… never mind, same problem. Unless they're with you 24/7 you can't rely on them."

"What if she insulted your dress?" Zelda asked, trying her best to help the situation.

"Well I… I'd be insulted, my taste in clothes is one of the finest in all of the Mushroom Kingdom, its part of my duty to look as though I am a princess and… how dare someone even contemplate insulting my dress or my person. It'd be just… rude!" Peach said, slightly flustered at even the implication. Her Pink dress was something to be proud of, the intricate patterns were works of art in there own right… everyone had told her that she looked fabulous in it and…

"thatdressmakesyoulookfat." Samus mumbled.

"I'm sorry Samus, what did you say? I was not paying attention."

"That dress makes you look fat." She said, well it was worth a shot, to see if it did provoke her into attacking.

"…"

"Princess?" Samus asked. Peach's eyes had gone wide and the only movement was the occasional twitch to indicate that she wasn't dead. Yet, her mind however.

"Peach, are you okay?" Zelda asked in a more concerned tone.

"I think I broke her brain."

"How long is she going to be like this?"

"Don't ask me, I didn't know she would just paralyze herself over such a small thing."

"Well she does hold her appearance quite highly."

"I can see that." Samus said experimentally poking the frozen royal, to see if she reacted. Nothing.

"Should we do something?"

"Just try to avoid bumping into her."

"Why would I 'bump' into her?"

"Because since she's not moving you'll have to go first. I'll go easy on you."

"I'll try." Taking the place of Peach, who Samus had moved onto the sidelines carefully, Zelda stood the other side of the mat, trying to work out what to do. The wireframes had at least run on programs which could be decude fairly quickly, even if they did have a faster reaction time then her there was always some weakness inbuilt at each level. Samus however despite resembling a mechanical being for most of the time was not bound by such. Trying not to show any fear she charged with a dash attack, that always seemed to be effective against the wireframes, but Samus rolled out of the way fairly easy. Trying to recover Zelda let loose a small magic spark at the bounty hunter, suprising herself when Samus flinched from the sudden shock. She hadn't really expected that to work particularly well, and dropped her guard, allowing Samus to grab her arm and throw Zelda onto her back.

"You should have followed up, while that spark works quickly and you can hold it on for a fair amount of time but it has very little force to knock your opponent back so they can easily recover from it." Samus explained, helping her back up to her feet.

"So what should I do when I can not focus the magic onto that same spot?" Zelda asked, incorporating magic into her attacks seemed like a good idea at first but it had some issues, namely she had to focus the majority of the spell's energy at one focal point. Even with the triforce of wisdom, it was hard to keep up in battle where a split second could the difference between victory and defeat.

"You'll have a fraction of a second to either punch me in the face or back off so I don't hit you."

"My…dress…I'll…AAAAAAAGRH!" Peach screamed, lunging herself at Samus wildly.

--

"Samus, how are things going with the girls?" Master Hand asked, checking in on his helper, who was in her armour again. Does she ever spend much time outside of it? Must be force of habit or something, as though she'd feel naked without it. _Hmm…_

"Well they're fighting people instead of robots."

"Perfect, now all we have to do is get the special mud delivered."

"What mud?"

"For the… spa. The spa that will be installed in the new mansion, that I am having built. Of course. Why else would I require that amount of mud? Certainly not for any lewd and marketable activities, that's for sure."

"Why else indeed?" Samus said, with only a trace of sarcasm. On a related note, in the cafeteria at the same time as this conversation…

"Falcon senses tingling!" Captain falcon said, dropping his fork into his meal.

"You-a don't have 'Falcon senses'." Luigi said.

"Well my 'Punch Luigi in the face' senses are tingling."

"…"

"I'm gonna punch…"

"I got it."

--

**Apologies for the lame joke at the end, I just didn't know how else to end it.**


	6. Melee a trois

**Melee A Trois**

**I've probably spelt it wrong, but I just wanted to get Melee in the title.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything.**

**--**

"Come on…" Master Hand seethed, pacing up and down the corridor in front of the teleport gate "damn it, they should be here by now." He said to himself, drumming his fingers against the wall before the door opened to let what appeared to be a cross between a turtle and Godzilla walked through.

"Alright, who dares call up on the great King of Koopas?" Bowser growled, he was a fairly intimidating sight, at least 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide he had taken the spot of the largest Smasher, along with the title as the most powerful

"Ah, King Bowser Koopa, son of Morton Koopa, am I right? Glad you could make it here. I'm Master Hand, the owner of the arena and soon to be opened mansion…" he began extending his hand to shake the much smaller claw, despite the two being the same size aproximatley Master Hand still had the bigger hand because, well, that's all he was.

"Yeah, I don't care who you are at this point."

"Hey, I rule this place! My place, my rules. It's one of the oldest rules in the book." Master hand said, trying to defend his pride

"So what's to say I shouldn't just head back to the place where_ I_ rule?"

"And kidnap Peach from the usual place hmm? Well I'll think you'll find that the Princess is so to speak in another castle, as is Mario and Luigi."

"You mean they're here?" Bowser asked, his defiant tone dropping.

"And you'll get the opportunity to beat the living hell out of them, without the fear of them cutting away the drawbridge on you, or shoddy flooring, you may want to see a contractor about that though."

"How did you know about that?"

"Sorry but you'll have to move along now,there's a buffet table down the hall for you, I have to go meet other contestants." He said pointing down the hall to the introductions area.

"Free food? Now you're talking." Bowser shouted as he stomped off to consume what would probably amount to his body mass in buffet food. _No indoor voice._

"Where the hell is he? Sod it, if he's late, he's late and he doesn't get a formal introduction. I have to go 'meet' the ladies."

--

"OhmygoshI'msosorryIdidn'tmeanithonestI'mreallyreallysorry."

"Peach, calm down. It's fine, it was a nice swing by the way, but try something other than a tennis racket for it, maybe a golf club would work." Samus suggested, slowly pushing away Peach's hand from her face. It had been a good swing too, perhaps maybe it was not a good idea to let anyone give you their best shot, especially when she was concealing impromptu weapons somewhere.

"But I hit you and I really swung hard and you fell backwards and.. eek! You're bleeding!" She shouted, jumping back at the sight of blood.

"I am? Damn, I'll have to dodge it next time then."

"How can you be so calm when you're hurt?" Zelda asked this time, maybe they had some point, rubbing the back of her hand against her forehead seemed to drip no small amount of blood on her hand.

"You learn not to feel the minor bumps. Try that swing again, this time I'll try and dodge it." Samus said, trying to stave off the dizzy sensation from the impact and blood loss before Master Hand barged in, somewhat downbeat. As to why, I'm going to leave that up for interpretation because I've spelled out a lot of the jokes here and should really stop before it becomes bad writing.

Oh wait.

"Sorry to break up the training session princesses, and Samus, but I required the two of you for the big introduction in 15 minutes, so it might be an idea to get ready. Samus, do… whatever you normally do in your free time."

--

"Ladies and gentlemen in just one month there will be a special tournament for a grand prize of… 1 million G or whatever your home planet's equivalent is! Now this is to have the grand opening of our new on site mansion, now no-one will have to be pulled away from events here just because they've run out of clothes or anything. The mansion contains enough room for everyone to live in, the kitchen is staffed around the clock by my special workers, any toilets are re-stocked with enough TP to last a life time and so forth. For many of you it will be the peak of luxury, but that's not all."

"Get on with it already, not all of us have all day to listen to you ham up the place." Fox shouted

"Yes, well, ahem," Master Hand said, the wind having been knocked slightly out of his sails "added to the twelve of you we will be doubling the roster and everyone is being bumped up to full time Smash status, and I just so happen to have the newcomers with me." Pointing towards a large door behind him "From the mountains of…wherever, the Ice climbers!" two small children walked through it, they were wearing boots with spikes, one was wearing a pink coat, the other blue but they were very difficult to tell apart, added to which they both had small hammers "From The Mushroom Kingdom, Princess Peach." Master Hand continued as the Princess of the Mushroom kingdom walked through, waving nervously.

"Hello." She said before sitting down next to Mario.

"Moving swiftly on, from Hyrule castle: Princess Zelda." The second princess soon followed, slightly nervous, she had been to festivals before where people could see her but before now she never really felt as though she was on display.

"From the Star Fox team in the Lyalt system (I think): Falco Lombardi." A bird walked through the doorway next, taking a seat right next to Fox.

"Long time no see Fox, so this is where you've been chilling out to get away from Slippy." The leader of the Falco said, shaking hands with his long time friend.

"More to get away from Peppy Hare than Slippy." Fox joked.

"Just don' mention the barrel rolls."

"Deal."

"From Viridian Forest, Pichu!"

"Pichu, Pi!" The excitable baby pokemon squeaked, waving to Pikachu.

"It's soo cute!" Peach squealed, rushing up to grab the little electric mouse and hug it tightly.

"Er… right, next we have two swordmasters from similar worlds or time periods, I forget… Marth and Roy!"

"Hey that Marth chick looks kinda hot." Falcon said, eyeing up the blue haired swords man, who blushed slightly out of shock.

"They're both guys captain birdbrain. Next, from an unkown dimention: Game and Watch!" Master Hand said, more enthusiastic about this one than any of the other selections as a 2D figure moved into the room, moving only between a few frames of animation, a peculiar sight indeed.

"Beep."

"From Kokari forest: Young Link!"

"Wait, is that me?" Link asked as a younger version of himself appeared in the door way.

"But how can he be me if I'm me?" the younger Link asked, before Master Hand lightly pushed him off the stage.

_Crap, forgot about the time paradox, have to sort that out later._

"From Brooklyn New York: Dr Mario."

"It's a me! Doctor Mario!"

"So two Links and two Marios, what's next?" Luigi asked hoping there may be a secondLuigi, then maybe people would start to pay him a bit of mind instead of just worrying about the Marios.

"From the Koopa Kingdom, Bowser."

"That's King Bowser Koopa and don't you forget it! Bwahaha."

"Right, next is the self-proclaimed King of Evil: Ganondorf."

"Gaze upon your new lord and master peons, I hope you'll enjoy bowing before me." Gandorf told the other Smashers before throwing his head back in laughter.

"Hey! If anyone's going to be bowing to anyone it's gonna be them lot to me." Bowser shouted back

"I doubt they'd bow before an overgrown turtle. Perhaps you'd be better suited as my pet."

"Moving on, the final participant in this tournament: from a location I cannot reveal due to privacy issues, the most powerful psychic in his world: Mewtwo!" A hush fell over everyone, no murmurs, no scoffs about how they didn't look like much, just silence as he floated in. Taking time only to look at Pikachu "so make yourselves comfortable, in 2 weeks we'll be holding warm up matches for those who wish to compete with the official tourney which I have dubbed 'the Melee' will begin two weeks after the exhibition matches start, so get ready and good luck. You'll need every bit of it."

--

**The shift from classic to melee is in full swing. Will the ladies be up to the task? I don't know, writers block is being more of a bitch than… something.**


	7. Square 4

**Square 4**

**Disclaimer: Yeah… there not mine**

**I have not forgotten any of my fics, I remember all of them. Just being able to do something with them is a different matter entirely.**

**--**

"Okay Peach, are you ready?" Samus asked, donning her armour once more and aiming her arm cannon at the Mushroom Kingdom's princess.

"I can do this… I can do this." Peach told herself over and over, trying to control her breathing

"Right. I'll slow down the velocity and negate the homing feature so you'll have plenty of time." The mercenary explained

"I can do this…"

"Good."

"Wait, I didn't say I was ready yet!" Peach squeaked as Samus launched a slow missile. Time seemed to slow down as the missile approached her, not sure of what to do, she pulled out her parasol and ducked, as the explosive projectile flew above her head.

"Okay, you dodged it, but you didn't follow up, that's what we've been working on. Evasion is all well and good but if you can't capitalise on an opening your opponent will keep attacking."

"So when will it be my turn to attack?" Peach asked.

"You don't get a turn, you just attack whenever."

"But if there attacking how am I supposed to…"

Samus cradled her visor with the palm of her hand. They should be way beyond this by now, past the constant questioning and having to hold their hands, the preliminary rounds were in nine days time and neither of them had favourable match-ups. Zelda drew Kirby in the first round and Peach had drawn Bowser. Kirby despite looking like a ball of chewing gum with two shoes attached actually managed to place second in the initial tournament and Bowser… didn't exactly look like a pushover, which was more than could be said of Peach right now.

It was a shame really, from someone who Samus thought had her few roles in life devoted to either baking cakes, looking pretty, or being kidnapped, Princess Peach Toadstool had come a long way. By now she could probably dodge a full speed missile if it wasn't a homing variety, had a passable swing with a frying pan and a golf club, could slap hard enough to actually hurt slightly and had some basic knowledge of what to do if someone grabbed a hold of her arm instead of falling prey to RPG cliché number 148*

*_Your average female RPG character carries a variety of deadly weapons and can effortlessly hack or magic her way through armies of monsters, killer cyborgs, and mutated boss creatures without breaking a sweat. She may be an accomplished ninja, a super-powered secret agent, or the world's greatest adventurer. However, if one of the game's villains manages to sneak up and grab her by the Standard Female Character Grab Area (her upper arm) she will be rendered utterly helpless until rescued by the hero._

_The problem was, she had trouble combining the knowledge of all the different techniques into a style that could actually be used in a fight._

_Zelda was… a little better in that respect, managing to find that if she used magic to supplement her physical attacks it would make her much more effective, although she struggled a little more at evasion, relying mostly on the ability to teleport above her which Samus noted, made her unable to defend herself until she hit solid ground to regain her bearings and describing the whole process as somewhat disorientating._

_But there was something more in each of them, a hidden potential that needed to be unlocked. Whether Peach's potential was hidden under her general incorruptible-pure…pureness…stuff or not was up for debate and it was clear that she hadn't had any experiences of fighting and preferred to be taken away without getting so much as a boo-boo._

_However Master Hand's words about the two rang in her ears __"__one of them kind of has some, but hasn't had any in another way" _What did he mean by that? Link knew something, but it must have been tied to the period of time that he didn't want to mention, that meant there was only one person here she could ask.

"Umm…Sammy?" Peach asked after the Chozo warrior seemed to have zoned out for a while.

"I'm fine, just try the exercise again with Zelda then the other way around when you get the hang of it, with her using her fireball magic and you using…" Peach plucked a small turnip out of the floor, and tried throwing that, it travelled a bit of distance before rolling on the floor. "Fine, whatever."

--

"Look, Mister Dragmire, I understand your concern but the limiter is not something that can be removed at will. It is in place for the good of the paying customers." Master Hand explained, he was making a habit of these and soon he would be able to publish books on the matter. Imagine the title 'dealing with abstract complaints about balancing issues – by M. Hand' but as of now they were still wearing away the very fabric of his sanity.

"This is absurd! I will not stand for this indignation." The Gerudo shouted, banging his fist against the now reinforced desk.

"Unfortunately that's not going to happen, as seen in your contract: section C sub-section 10." The glove stated, producing and holding up a large wad of paper which was snatched immediately by Ganondorf who skimmed through the pages until he found the term in question. "As you can see the limiter does not just affect you, it effects everyone albeit in different ways, the only way to remove it would to have a unanimous vote to remove it. A vote I have the power to veto as stated in sub-section 24."

"Blast you and your infernal trickery, your days are numbered I assure you and when that limiter is removed you shall feel the true power of the gods!"

"Thank you, come again." Master Hand dismissed the thief king who had no option but leaving in a huff, he thought about attacking the hand but then instantly thought _**Perhaps I should spend my time more wisely securing the most luxurious room in this new mansion then extending my contract to ensure the life of luxury. **__Wait, since when did I, Ganondorf, start thinking like that? I should be ruling Hyrule since that green stain and the brat are here __**Its too bad I have to check the timetables to find who is my opponent for my first match in the tournament**_ before moving on to do just that with a slightly vacant expression.

Now that he was alone, Master Hand decided it was prime time to test the new office surround sound, putting in a random CD into the player and dropping the metal disturbance-proof shields that surrounded the office before pressing the play button.

There was a very loud banging noise in time with a drum beat, as he realised that this was his Ozzy Osbourne CD with a great selection of tracks and ***gunshot***

**The author apologizes for the cheap plug for Ozzy merchandise; the narrator responsible has been fired.**

Noticed that the banging noise was louder then it should have been, then he noticed that the metal door cover had a small hole in it.

"Door's broken." Said Samus as she tore through the steel alloy shields as though they were made of paper and stepping into the office.

"I noticed."

--

**The Author apologizes for the shattering of the fourth wall and the general low quality in this chapter, the author responsible has been fired. Wait…that's me! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**


End file.
